Disclaimer: DO NOT read this if you are disgusted by the idea of poop advice.
Dedicated to my good friend Sophia.
A dear friend of mine, the aforementioned Sophia, sent me a link the other day about girls and pooping because she knows that it’s a topic I love discussing. Without reading it, I decided I, too, would write about the challenges of pooping as a woman and how to make the most (or least) of your quick trip on the pot.
First of all, I’d like to address the shame of using public restrooms. For women, it’s extremely uncomfortable to be in a restroom when someone else is. Why? Because growing up, we’ve known that most things having to do with our bodies, bowels especially, aren’t considered “lady-like.” So when others enter the stall nearest our own, we often times give up, wipe, wash and withdraw so to not cause further embarrassments about using the toilet. But let me tell you something. Every single lady I know poops. Some more than once a day.
While I feel that women shouldn’t be ashamed, I understand that it can sometimes be embarrassing. The fact that these porcelain thrones are designed to help reverberate the faintest of sounds is reason enough to feel awkward, but ladies, come on. That’s no reason to have a poop stand-off with the person next to you, sitting in silence while awaiting the other’s ultimate defeat and departure.
So, for those of you in this stinky situation, here are a few tips to help you ease the tension:
Stop the Plop: If you’re the type that fears the inevitable sound of your nuggets hitting the water’s surface, here’s a solution. Place a few sheets of toilet paper at the bottom of the bowl to mute your mess. Neighboring potty-goers will have no idea you’ve just relieved yourself.
Ease the Squeeze: To minimize the strain, try drinking coffee and other poop inducing foods. This will result in a quick and easy restroom break. Also, coffee is delicious.
Helluva Smell: We all know what it’s like to eat the wrong thing. If you, like myself, are an avid Chinese food-eater, it might be time to invest in a lovely little product known as Poo Pourri. Spray it in the toilet and when your log hits the surface, a delightful aroma of essential oils escapes.
Laugh in the Bath(room): Pooping is funny. Tooting is also funny. It’s okay to laugh at yourself. I do all the time. Don’t be ashamed. Embrace. (But don’t laugh at others unless they’re your really good friends. You don’t want to embarrass anyone else and ruin their public poo experience.)
Partake in a Group Poop
Group poops are figuratively one of my favorite things. It’s like the ultimate trust exercise in a friendship. If you can poop together, you can do anything. And it’s super convenient if you run out of toilet paper.
If none of the above works for you, scope out the most hidden and obscure bathroom you can. The sketchier the place, the better. Go unisex if you have to. Basements are usually a great starting place.
So if you’ve been the type of gal (or guy/I’m not sexist) that’s too petrified to poo publicly, I hope this brief post has made you realize that it’s a burden we all share. Don’t fear the poo. Embrace it. (Don’t actually embrace it. It’s a figure of speech. Hugging poop would be horrible for all parties involved.)
I wish I could tell you this was a metaphor for life, and if you can come up with one, by all means, please apply it to this because I literally just spent three hours crafting a post about poop and I’d like to know that that time wasn’t wasted.